| ive had quite a bit of time to think about life over the past few weeks.
and in all honesty, i have no idea what i am thinking about it.
right now i feel like im letting everybody that i care about down with the choices that i make. i dont even know what choices those are.
it seems like ive taken a step backwards, and am now back to the state of mind where i am always afraid that everyone is mad at me all the time. i dont think i have done anything to cause this, but i just feel that way.
the fear that i will be alone is creeping back into my mind. i didnt mind at first, because i thought to myself, i'll meet someone...but how do i know that when i do meet the person, i will know that she is the right one? what if i've already met her, and am just too dumb to realize it.
what if i have turned away, all of those good things that are supposed to be a part of my life?
what if i never find those things that will make me happiest?
i guess im just afraid..and probably always will be. | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment   |
| holy shit...has it been a long time.
i just got back from montana.
it was the fuckin shit. its so pretty out there.
we went skydiving...twice
im gonna go again here.
quite a few times.
i go back to school in less than a month.
thats not very long. kinda sucks...but its kinda good too.
i spilled shampoo in my car today. i dont know how...but i did.
im living at my moms now, for the 2nd half of the summer.
Hige sceal þe heardra, heorte þe cenre,
mod sceal þe mare þe ure maegen lytlað. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| not too much to update about.
kinda gay.
going to montana on thursday.
cant fuckin wait for that
will be nice to get out of here for a bit.
then im movin in w/my mom for the latter part of the summer.
hopefully that wont be too bad.
fuck her new b/f though.
he reminds me too much of tom
and tom should die
and if al gets all gay like that....he will die as well.
im fuckin tired.
i want to sleep.
so i think i shall do that one now. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| its been a while since i've updated.
my last entry was in elvish, because i really wanted no one to know what it said.
im pretty gay like that.
its storming. i like storms. they make me happy.
in the pants.
bretts parents are going out of town for the weekend. one night at least.
its all about the boozin.
i cant wait to get drunk. i got drunk w/jarod on friday night. he drove my car home from pekin. i was a bit scared. but i trust that fuckin drunk.
hes my buddy. he got a new dog...she is so fucking cute. i just wanna cuddle w/her...
started the new job today...yeah.
im tired.
bedtime.
theres poo in your hair. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Mankoi um nin iale mali?
Amin coia sa n'uma'nat'. Ro deagol caela illen. Amin core isi cre nid iale mali. Eller sa n'uma til. Amin mela le, dara' amin forie ilue'n aut no' coid da coia manke iluve amin cael tanya sa quel sa sane cel.
Nin lathynth, mellon le.
Namarie.
| | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Hopesfall - End of an Era | | Time: | 06:01 pm |
|
| So, as freshman year comes to a close, I look back at all of the good times that I've had this year. It's so weird that I'm going to be a sophomore in college. This year has fucking flown by. It makes me pretty sad that I have to leave all of my friends here at school, but then I remember that I get to go home to all of my best friends at home. I've had so many good times this year. I really wish it could go on, but it can't. It's going to be a good fuckin summer, until I have to come back to all of this school bullshit.
I love being here, but I hate school.
I just took my chemistry final, and honestly..I don't care what I got. As long as I pass the class, I'll be happy.
I studied for 20 hours straight, took a break..and then studied more. I can't wait to start studying for my other finals. I need the break.
3 more days until I come home for a much needed break. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| FIRSTS
First best friend: Joe Seckler - 1st Grade
First real memory of something: Falling off my swingset in my backyard in Metamora
First Job: Danner Detassling
First screen name: xXmilkboneXx(which is still my screen name) - 7th Grade
First self purchased album: Rage Against the Machine - Evil Empire
First funeral: My grandpa
First pet: Rosie - My Dog
First piercing/tattoo: Left Ear Pierced in 8th Grade
First credit card: None
First true love: Who the fuck knows
First enemy: My Grandpa Crane
First big trip: Moved from Oregon to IL when I was a baby
First play/musical/performance/concert: Weird AL - 5th Grade
LASTS:
Last big car ride: Evansville, IN - to see my grandpas grave
Last good cry: Not too awfully long ago
Last library book: Can't remember
Last movie seen: High Fidelity
Last beverage drank: Sprite
Last food consumed: Breaded Chicken Sandwich
Last crush:
Last phone call: To my dad about my new fucking cavity.(i hate my teeth)
Last TV show watched: Friends
Last time showered: This morning
Last shoes worn: My sandals
Last cd played: Hopesfall
Last item bought: Food
Last ice cream eaten: Cookies and Cream probably..i dont remember
Last shirt worn: Mesa Boogie Engineering
LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Christopher Douglas Shea VanLaningham
-- Birth date: July 3rd, 1984
-- Current Location: ISU
-- Hair Color: Bleached right now
-- Height: 6 ft. or so
-- Weight: around 195
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Indian and Dutch. Not sure about any others.
-- The shoes you wore today: Sandals
-- Your weakness: I don't tell people when I'm mad at them about something, and I don't stick up for myself.
-- Your perfect pizza: Godfathers pizza...pepperoni
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Get the fuck out of school and move to Vegas.
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most over used phrase on MSN/AIM: hi
-- Your thoughts first waking up: I hate this fucking alarm.
-- Your best physical feature: My pinky toe of my left foot.
-- Your bedtime: Whenever I decide its time.
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Hate both the mother fuckers.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Unfortunately
-- Cuss: Since 3rd Grade
-- Sing: Fuck no
-- Take a shower everyday: I ain't stinky. Unless I have to be.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Since I don't know what love feels like..I'm sayin I don't think so.
-- Want to go to college: I'm in college.
Layer Six:
-- Liked high school: Hated it then, but miss it now.
-- Want to get married: Someday
-- Believe in yourself: Sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: Only on Bloomington/Normal Public Transportation, but its probably just the smell.
-- Think you're attractive: Could be worse.
-- Think you're a health freak: no
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yes
-- Like thunderstorms: Always
-- Play an instrument: Guitar since I was in about 6th Grade
Layer Seven:
In the 6 past months...
-- Drank alcohol: Many a times.
-- Smoked: Just cigarettes
-- Done a drug: no
-- Had Sex: :( no
-- Made Out: Yes
-- Gone on a date: No
-- Gone to the mall: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No...they're too sweet for me anymore.
-- Eaten sushi: Fuckin nasty.
-- Been on stage: Not since August 18th, 2003
-- Been dumped: no
-- Gone skating: Yeah
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: Yes
-- Stolen anything: Food from linkins all the time.
Layer Eight:
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: No
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Many a times
-- Been caught "doing something": No
-- Been called a tease: Not to my face
-- Shop Lifted: Yes
-- Changed who you were to fit in: No.
Layer Nine:
-- Age you hope to be married: 26 or 27
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2 sons and 2 daughters...names - brett and jeff for the boys..and i dont know about the girls
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: something small
-- How do you want to die: painlessly
-- Where do you want to go to college: I'm going to ISU
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Not even sure anymore
-- What country would you most like to visit: Whichever one is the prettiest.
Layer Ten:
In a boy... or girl:
-- Best eye color?: green or brown
-- Best hair color?: Anything but red
-- Short or long hair? Long
-- Height: 5'7''
-- Best weight: not fat.
-- Best articles of clothing: Hardcore clothes on chicks are fuckin hot.
Layer Eleven:
-- # of people I could trust with my life: 2
-- # of CDs that I own: All my music is on my computer.
-- # of piercings: 3
-- # of tattoos: 0
-- # of scars on my body: Couldn't tell you.
-- # of things in my past that I regret: This question takes way too much contemplating to give a truthful answer. But many. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| This weekend was shitty. Yesterday was worse. And today is even worse than yesterday. I walked all the way over to the comp. lab for absolutely nothing. I found out that I am going to have sit behind a fucking desk at the journal star again this summer. There arent any jobs that i can get where I'll be outside. I am turning in my project for programming late. I feel like shit today. I'm just a fucking whiner today. Im sorry.
and oh yeah..im getting fatter.
i hate it. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| As each day passes, it starts to eat away at me. I am finally beginning to realize that I might not pass my computer programming class. I know it kind of seems petty compared to some other shit..but right now its killing me. i've never actually failed a class. And if i fail this class...i have to take it again..and i can only take it twice. i am just really freakin out about all the gay shit. it really pisses me off. this class makes me feel stupid.
i dont even know what to do.
fuck it once.
and then fuck it again. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I have insomnia. That is the only feasible explanation to it. I never sleep anymore. And the worst part is..i dont know why. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. The tv is off..nothing is distracting me. It just doesn't make sense.
i come home exactly a month from yesterday..as if anyone was to care. i don't really talk to anyone anymore. kinda makes me sad. what also makes me sad is the fact that i know that if you're reading this right now, it is only because you are bored..and you are checking your "Friends" page, linked to your live journal.
i dont know. i just sometimes get the feeling that since i decided to go to school..lots of people have forgot that i exist. maybe not so much forgot that i do exist, but that they dont care that i exist. which is fine, i suppose, because for most of the people out there..i don't really care if they exist or not either.
maybe im just talking out of my ass because im tired. but its coming to my mind in any case.
thats all. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| I still don't have a lot to say. I have 2 huge tests coming up this week that I am definitely fucked for. I really need to study my ass off for them. If I don't ace them both, I might as well stop going to class this semester. I bleached my hair last night. I think I like it. I havent had it blonde in quite a while.
I had to reformat on friday night, and now I can't get one of the programs installed that i really need installed. it really sucks. i'm also very hungry.
im done.
i have nothing left to really say. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| i havent written in here because i honestly dont have much of anything to say.
i might be able to pull off all b's...which would be fuckin sweet.
i just got done playing basketball w/aj.
i enjoy playing basketball now. it is indeed a fun time.
i start my floor hockey league on monday night. its gonna be the shit.
i burned boondock saints onto my computer today
i am burning fight club on right now.
i think natalie is fuckin groovy.
i might be going to a party tomorrow night.
i am definitely going to get drunk tomorrow night.
i might also see dawn of the dead tomorrow.
i might buy a dvd burner next week.
i think that would be awesome.
i have talked to natalie alot this week. shes awesome.
i have a roommate who is madly in love with NCAA basketball.
i know that there is a tournament going on in that over the next week.
the whole building is into it
the school i go to isnt in it.
the school i go to sucks at sports.
i dont know how much longer i can keep going on with this.
i think that i am going to be done now.
goodbye. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| When I woke up this morning, I felt different than I had felt in a very long time.
I honestly don't know what it was, and I can't explain how it felt. I'm not sure if I felt more alive than ever, or more dead than I ever have.
I've been thinking about a lot of things in the 4 hours that I have been awake, and for some reason, I am seeing everything so much clearer now.
I've been going around my whole life looking at people, and acting like I know who they are. Not like their my friends, but I've been looking at people and pretending like I can see what kind of a person they are. If I've ever seen you, chances are I've already judged you. And as I was looking at people this morning, I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke on them or say hello. This whole time, I've judged them, but I haven't stopped to judge myself. If I look at these people and automatically decide that they aren't good people, what kind of a person does that make me? Am I also a bad person? How do people think of me when they see me?
My eyes have been open, but my heart has shut off. I like to think that I listen to other people, but all I really do is sit there and hear what they're saying, and never truly comprehending what they're saying. I don't know if I do this on purpose, or if I do it because I just really don't want to hear them.
So the time has come for me to judge myself. And I have already done this.
I am a bad person Anyone who does what I have done my whole life is a bad person. I look, but I don't see. I hear, but I don't listen.
I have been wrong, in all my ways. I have always expected things to always work out for the best, but I haven't done anything to help them turn out alright. For the most part, I've just been lucky.
And now that I have thought about all of this, I realize that I cannot continue on this path. For all that lies at the end of the current path is a shadow.
I don't know..But I do not believe that the shadow hold's sway yet. Not over me, and not over you.
There is still hope for all. It's better to light a candle then to curse the darkness.
I am however stuck in the dark right now without a match or a candle.
So I guess what I have been trying to say in this long rant that most of you won't even read is that I am going to start living my life with a candle in my hand and a lighter in my pocket.
For too long I have been in the darkness and not even realizing it.
For too long I have been staring at the stars thinking they will live my life for me, but it isn't going to happen.
So it my solemn promise to all, that I will no longer be the person who looks at people and thinks that he can see through their lies and deceit.
I will be the person who looks at a person and believes that they are truly good inside, no matter what my eyes see.
Sorry for it being long. I just needed to get that all off of my chest. And though it may not have been important for you to read, it was important for me to say. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| i dont know what's been goin on w/me lately. i just havent felt good.
something in me just really doesn't feel right, and i really have no fucking idea what it is. the weather this week has cheered me up..but its still all sorts of fucked up.
and i really need to get into the doctor and see why the fuck i cant sleep at night.
when i finally did fall asleep last night..i had a dream..and it was almost like 4 other dreams that i had.
i've had dreams like this before. its like a little mini-series in my dreams. i'm trying to find this one ghost. her name is amehlia.(ah-mel-ia). i know that is her name because she carves it into the floor everytime i have the dream. the first dream i had having to do w/her, she possessed me..and took me to a dark and deserted room. i just kind of sat there, swearing that i'd find her for the rest of the dream. in the other dreams, i've been searching for her in places that i think i've seen before, but i can't pinpoint exactly where they are. but this ghost, amehlia, is either trying to tell me something really important, or shes trying to fucking kill me. last night i got possessed, and took a giant steel rode and stabbed myself in the heart with it. (while i was possessed). i didnt die. i just kinda fell to the ground, she left my body, and i pulled the thing out, and then ran after her. i just kept running into a big deep black tunnel, not being able to see anything, and hearing the creepy laughs of a little girl.
i don't know what the fuck it is all about. there is a lot more to the dreams, but i dont feel like typing it all out. its really messed up though.
they say dreams have some significance in your life...but i would really like to know what fucking significance that has in my life. some ghost bitch stabbing me in the heart with my own body..and then i get up and run after the bitch. im all like what the fuck is going on.
i really don't know.
thats my rant for now.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
titties. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ok...so i just watched gothika.
that movie is pretty scary.
and if there is one thing that i learned from the whole movie..it is this:
if you ever see a girl standing on the other side of a bridge...and its raining...and she is in the middle of the road....either run that bitch down...or put the mother fucker in reverse and get the fuck out of the country.
that movie freaked me out.
i screamed once. jumped a few times. but only came close to soiling myself!!!
yay for shea.
and now begins the contest.
me and aj are having a competition to see who can stay up the latest tonight.
i have class at 10 and 11..but am done by noon...so i will be able to take a nap tomorrow..and damn will it be good.
i am totally gonna win.
its gonna be sweet.
nipples. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| So I know that I haven't been writing anything in here...much at all lately...but I can't pass this one up.
My mom's house was haunted. I heard numerous different things while at home for break. 1 instance was when no one was home, and I heard some chick's voice saying, "come on" I went downstairs, and there was no one there. Crazy shit like that happened a lot.
One time, I heard someone banging on the wall right next to my head. It was fuckin scary.
So my mom moved out of that house, but her boyfriend still lives there, and he heard the same banging that I heard. And he woke up and all the lights were on. Crazy fuckin house.
So they called some guy to see about getting rid of the ghost. The dude came to the house, went upstairs, (where I spent basically all of my time)and he said that the ghost was up there. The room was freezing, I guess, and the dude was talking to the ghost.
My mom wondered if it was real or not, so she asked him how he knows, and the dude was like, "How is your daughter" My mom replied with, "Which one" and he said "the 22 year old" My mom had not told him anything about her kids, but he kept saying shit that happened to my sister. Shit that he wouldn't have known. (And my sister is 22). So that was crazy
So the guy coached the ghost into the light or whatever, and my mom and her boyfriend said that they had never heard the house that quiet. Like, NEVER THAT QUIET. Which is just all to crazy.
Now I am not a man of any type of faith. I don't believe in god, or any of that, yet I believe in ghosts. I understand that it kind of contradicts itself, but its how I feel.
Now I am plagued with the problem of do I believe in god now because my moms house was haunted?
Or am I just fucking crazy for believing that the house was haunted, and that the guy coached this ghost into the light.
I don't know what to do.
someone help me. | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| | lies save you from immediate evil...but allows you to be taken by that evil in the end. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| |
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